No Strings Attached

I left last time with a strong feeling that I should be back here, this time I feel that maybe I don’t ever have to.

It is a place where good things rarely happened and terribly ended. Hundreds of failures, endless tries. Millions of chances given, none gotten.
It was the first time that I ever felt this weak, tired, and broken.

But it’s all good, all good. I needed to know that while giving people and things all I had I forgot an important person. That person was me. I am apologizing to myself for not appreciating it enough, for not making it happy, and for believing that self worth is determined by how some people that I loved feel or felt about me. I deserve to feel pride again, and to be comfortable being with myself alone.

I want to find safety in thinking alone not while sleeping in someone’s arms, self worth when I look at my mirror, and strength in my will power because I’ve been through fucking hell throughout the years. I never had the chance to be a child. I don’t want to blame anyone. There might be something that my parents could have done or maybe nothing at all, but I don’t care. I matured quickly. I felt things intensely. I felt happiness like I’m high and sadness more than my heart could take. I felt like giving up hundreds of times, tried twice, and never succeeded.

I am still here.

Now, looking back I think that it’s good that I didn’t stop it all. I mean, it’s 5:50 AM. I am at the airport alone traveling to the country of my dreams to finish my education and be who I always dreamt of being. All alone, but not feeling slightly lonely.

Last time I was here in the same seat I was still with the love of my life, my friends had just said their good bye, my parents cried, and everyone showered me with wishes and prayers. Yet, I sat here feeling lonely as hell.

I still love him despite how things ended, I love my family and friends, but I don’t feel bad this time.

This time I leave with no strings attached, but to one: making myself happy everywhere I be.

 

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